My Biggest Struggle Since Becoming a Mom
Vol. 2, No. 61
You’re reading Modern Motherhood Musings, a weekly newsletter written from one mom to another. Each week I share an honest reflection on motherhood and a collection of things bringing me joy. Some links in this newsletter are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thank you for your support!
My whole life I’ve been extremely Type-A and goal oriented. I knew since I was in High School that I wanted to work in the sports industry, and I graduated from college a semester early to align with the NASCAR racing season, in order to improve my chances of getting a job in the industry. If I set a goal, I was determined to accomplish it.
I absolutely loved my job and my early career days. I was traveling to different cities each week, and spending most of my time with my work friends who became like family. After I left the sports world I continued to be immersed in my corporate career. I lived in an apartment downtown and took the light rail to work and home. Most nights I’d stay late, and end up grabbing drinks or dinner with colleagues. My career and my co-workers made up a bulk of my world.
I actually wondered if I’d ever want to be a mom. I feared that having kids would take away from the time I had to myself, and from all the things I wanted to accomplish.
Once I became a mom however, my world was rocked. Once you become a mom your perspective and priorities shift. I realized that the “important things” maybe weren’t the important things, and just how precious and limited our time is. When it was time for me to return to work after maternity leave was over, I struggled in a way I didn’t fully understand myself, and I couldn’t articulate it to my husband.
It’s only now, almost 5 years after welcoming my first son into the world, that I realize this is something a lot of us struggle with in motherhood. It is something I’ll wrestle with as long as I have kids at home.
The truth is, I love having a job, I love having a career, and a life outside of home, but I also love my kids, my family, and my time with them immensely. Life is expensive these days. Being a one salary family would mean that we wouldn’t be able to give my kids all of the experiences I want to give them. It would mean putting away less money for retirement, and putting away less money for their college one day. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t envy the women who are able to easily make the decision to stay home, although I know it comes with their own sacrifices and tradeoffs and I’m sure a lot of struggles I don’t see.
But, being a working mom is hard, and the way our society operates doesn’t make things any easier.
Let’s pretend you have to commute for an hour each day, and that your kids wake up at 7:30am every day and go to sleep at 7:30pm. If you have to leave by 8am to get to your job by 9am, and don’t get home until 6pm each day, then that means you only see your kids for 2 hours each day. That’s it. And most of that time is spent packing lunches, getting kids dressed and ready, getting yourself dressed and ready and packing bags for everyone for the day. There are even more complexities to this when you have to add a daycare or school drop-off and pick-up.
Elementary school ends way before the work day does, and coordinating childcare for the summer is something moms start thinking about in January. Families don’t live as close to each other as they once did, and many of us have parents who are also taking care of their parents.
There are countless school celebrations, performances, and awards show that all take place during the work day, and my heart breaks whenever I’m unable to attend one. I know these are moments that only happen once, and the idea of not being there not only makes me sad, but even makes me angry at times. Every time one of my kids is sick, I want to be the one to take care of them. I want to take them to their doctor’s appointments, and make sure I’m asking all the questions running through my head. I want to pack their school lunches, and help them get ready for school.
I know there are women who find so much purpose in their careers, and there are stay-at-home moms who feel the same, but I’d bet that most of us are stuck in the messy middle. We struggle with the desire to be fully present in both our careers and in motherhood, and when the scale tips one way or the other, it can fill us with a variety of emotions - sadness, anger, doubt, desire.
I don’t have an answer but I know I’m not alone, and there’s others who are struggling like I am.
I think all we can do is take the next right step. We can’t think too far ahead or try to plan out the next 15 years. We can be present in the moments we’re in, and try to prioritize what’s most important to use on any given day and in any given moment. We can let the feelings ebb and flow, and embrace everything that comes in this messy middle space.
🥗 We made this Chimichurri recipe to accompany some baked cod this week and it’s delicious! It’s bright and full of flavor. Perfect to throw on meat or veggies, or just dip some good bread into it and enjoy!
🥄 I’ve traded in my black plastic cookware for this beautiful set. It’s a bit pricey but it’s plastic and toxin-free and won’t scratch your pans. I’ve been so impressed with the quality and know they’ll last in my kitchen for many years.
📺 I’m a big fan of a good whodunit, and The Residence on Netflix has delivered. It’s a murder mystery set in The White House, with a great cast and fun plot. We’re about halfway through, and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
Happy Friday, Friends! I hope you all have a great weekend!
If you enjoyed today’s newsletter, I’d love it if you’d share it with a friend!
Quick Links
OMG Bri, I wish we could sit down and have a glass of wine together and talk about the “messy middle” that we’re caught up in. I related to this article more than you could know. I don’t know what the answer is either but it’s definitely reading me up inside
This one really got me. That “messy middle” you described? It’s real, it’s raw, and it’s where so many of us are quietly trying to hold it all together.
Thank you for putting language to the ache of wanting to be two places at once—fully in your career and fully with your babies. The part about only seeing your kids for two hours a day hit hard. And yet, there’s still so much love in the way you describe it all—like even in the tension, you’re holding space for both ambition and tenderness.
I don’t think we talk enough about how structurally unfair this system is for working parents, especially moms. But your writing helps me feel less alone in the juggle.
Grateful for your honesty—and your heart. Subscribed. 💛