Honestly, I think it's either an instinct or a choice, and neither is wrong to listen to. I KNOW I'm done. I have three kids, and I love them all dearly, but I no longer have ANY desire to have another one. With my first and second, there was always a question of another, but it's not something I'd even consider now (so if I announce a pregnancy, know it wasn't planned, haha)
I think it's absolutely valid to still have that desire and yet choose the family that's in front of you, though. I wouldn't change my life with three, but adding a third definitely made certain things a lot tricker to navigate!
I love the way you frame this, instant or choice. and I also think it’s beautiful to recognize that the family you have now, or a bigger family is incredible in its own sense. Thank you so much for your words and perspective! It’s much appreciated!
After having two kids and being surrounded by other moms with two kids, this seems to be the hot topic!
My view is we don’t ever really know. I leave it up to fate and I think that gives me enough peace to not worry so much and cherish the moments with my little ones even more !
I’m new to substack and my writing focuses on parenting insights, would love to connect with you 😃🤲
I’m surrounded by a bunch of other moms with two kids also! How funny. Thank you so much for commenting, and welcome to substack! I will definitely check out your space :)
This is a tough question and beautifully written. I always wanted 3, but for awhile for a variety of reasons including the pandemic I didn't think it would happen. I felt a lot of sadness surrounding that. When I ultimately did have my third child, I was almost 38. My pregnancy definitely felt harder and the lack of sleep with the newborn age was tougher, but I am just so, so happy that I had my third. I am at peace that our family is complete. I still love babies, but I am now 100% certain that I don't want any more. Having a third child never really makes "sense" (the logistics of car travel, hotel rooms, general finances, taking another child to activities, and another place in your house for somewhere to sleep) so I think it comes down to what just feels right for someone. I totally understand why most of my friends only have 1 or 2 kids, but I have zero regrets being a family of 5. How many kids you want (and are able to have) is very personal.
Oof. I always wanted three. But after years of IVF and the cost of absolutely everything feeling so unmanageable, we decided two is our limit. Sometimes I’m sad about all the “lasts” with my baby, but mostly I’m just grateful they’re both here, because for a long time neither one of them felt like a possibility.
I wish I would have addressed infertility, IVF, Adoption, etc a little bit more in my article because there are so many routes to motherhood, and so many challenges that women (and parents) go through and I think as a society we don’t talk about it enough. It wasn’t until I was an adult and my friends started having kids that I realized just how complex it all truly is. I have so many friends who have gone through IVF, and I’m so grateful for all the babies that are here because of it. When my first son was born 8 weeks early, I didn’t even know what a NICU stay entailed, and now I’ve met so many other women who have had NICU babies and similar experiences as mine.
All that to say, babies are such a miracle, and women are truly incredible.
I’m 3 years out from my last and still feel the same “I’m not sure” as you do. I know there are some people who say they absolutely know, but I wonder if I’m someone who will always be on the fence, and if there are other too
For me it's just that I cannot go through another pregnancy and delivery, it almost broke me especially the second time around and I just won't do it again. I'm also just getting back some full night's of sleep with my youngest turning two and I'm not prepared to give that up again. Whether I'd be happy with a third or not feels irrelevant to me now since I know I'm not willing to go through it all again.
Having said that, I was looking at photos of a friend's baby a few months ago and all rationality went out the window. Somehow my mind had slipped into, "maybe we're not done" and was talking to my husband about it. My 4 year old son pulled me out of that thought quickly. He literally walked up to me and punched me in the womb and said, "no more babies!" He struggled with the birth of his sister and I have to remember, I did too. I struggled so much I couldn't be the greatest mum at the time and I don't want to put him through that again either.
Oh my! It’s so so tough. I had two really hard high risk pregnancies but even after all of that I’ve still wondered “could I maybe do one more?!” lol I think the more I think about It the answer is no, but I’m also still processing and mourning what that really means
My body unequivocally told me no more when my last pregnancy at 40 ended up with preeclampsia and a week in the hospital for me and a week in the nicu for baby. That was my limit after 5 previous living kids that were all relatively easy births. I took the hint that my blood pressure just wasn't up to more!
oh wow! That’s so tough. I’m glad your 5 previous pregnancies and deliveries were relatively easy. Both of my pregnancies have been high risk. I had a placental abruption with the first pregnancy and he spent 5 weeks in the NICU, I had high blood pressure with the second and early contractions. They were both tough, AND STILL I sometimes wonder if I’d do it all again for one more. I haven’t felt a strong sense of certainty either way.
It's so hard to know. I had most of mine when I was very young so my thinking process was . . . Limited? Once I hit 40, things just seemed more serious. I had more to lose, I guess. Baby ended up having some serious ongoing issues so it made sense to stop there.
I knew after I had twins, numbers 4&5. We had tentatively been considering a fourth to “round things out”. A round number will NOT be happening. The twins are ten now and life is much easier. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. The answer to your question: when you know, you know.
I haven’t felt strongly either way yet, some days I think I’m done, some days I think I could do another. I think I’ll eventually know for sure one way or another. Twins 4&5, wow!
I just had my second in October and I know for sure I’m done. Part of it is my age (37) and part of it is that pregnancy was really uncomfortable for me, start to finish. I love my sweet baby, but two is enough!
My husband and I are both one of four, so we have plenty of nieces and nephews coming.
Both my pregnancies were rough, I had a placental abruption the first time, and early contractions + high blood pressure with the second, and I’m 37 now so it seems like it would be tougher. Still, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel “done”. Thanks for sharing your story :)
My youngest child ran just up to me in his confident toddler way demanding “cwakers,” so I appreciate the timing of this read…
I didn’t want to be done with having babies but life & the medical needs of my kids demanded it. And I think about these questions a lot as I come to terms with what will never be. Asking questions helps me poke holes through my grief so I can be more in the moment and grounded in gratitude for the blessings of my three not-so-baby babies.
I have 5 kids and think if your heart doesn’t feel done…you aren’t! I vote go for the 3rd baby. You won’t regret it!
5 is my max— I feel (and am) done now😆
Honestly, I think it's either an instinct or a choice, and neither is wrong to listen to. I KNOW I'm done. I have three kids, and I love them all dearly, but I no longer have ANY desire to have another one. With my first and second, there was always a question of another, but it's not something I'd even consider now (so if I announce a pregnancy, know it wasn't planned, haha)
I think it's absolutely valid to still have that desire and yet choose the family that's in front of you, though. I wouldn't change my life with three, but adding a third definitely made certain things a lot tricker to navigate!
I love the way you frame this, instant or choice. and I also think it’s beautiful to recognize that the family you have now, or a bigger family is incredible in its own sense. Thank you so much for your words and perspective! It’s much appreciated!
After having two kids and being surrounded by other moms with two kids, this seems to be the hot topic!
My view is we don’t ever really know. I leave it up to fate and I think that gives me enough peace to not worry so much and cherish the moments with my little ones even more !
I’m new to substack and my writing focuses on parenting insights, would love to connect with you 😃🤲
I’m surrounded by a bunch of other moms with two kids also! How funny. Thank you so much for commenting, and welcome to substack! I will definitely check out your space :)
Thanks 😊
This is a tough question and beautifully written. I always wanted 3, but for awhile for a variety of reasons including the pandemic I didn't think it would happen. I felt a lot of sadness surrounding that. When I ultimately did have my third child, I was almost 38. My pregnancy definitely felt harder and the lack of sleep with the newborn age was tougher, but I am just so, so happy that I had my third. I am at peace that our family is complete. I still love babies, but I am now 100% certain that I don't want any more. Having a third child never really makes "sense" (the logistics of car travel, hotel rooms, general finances, taking another child to activities, and another place in your house for somewhere to sleep) so I think it comes down to what just feels right for someone. I totally understand why most of my friends only have 1 or 2 kids, but I have zero regrets being a family of 5. How many kids you want (and are able to have) is very personal.
What a beautiful journey, Allison!!! Thank you so much for sharing :) and it sounds like the timing was absolutely perfect.
Oof. I always wanted three. But after years of IVF and the cost of absolutely everything feeling so unmanageable, we decided two is our limit. Sometimes I’m sad about all the “lasts” with my baby, but mostly I’m just grateful they’re both here, because for a long time neither one of them felt like a possibility.
I wish I would have addressed infertility, IVF, Adoption, etc a little bit more in my article because there are so many routes to motherhood, and so many challenges that women (and parents) go through and I think as a society we don’t talk about it enough. It wasn’t until I was an adult and my friends started having kids that I realized just how complex it all truly is. I have so many friends who have gone through IVF, and I’m so grateful for all the babies that are here because of it. When my first son was born 8 weeks early, I didn’t even know what a NICU stay entailed, and now I’ve met so many other women who have had NICU babies and similar experiences as mine.
All that to say, babies are such a miracle, and women are truly incredible.
I am 3 months postpartum with baby number 3 and my husband always asks me if I think this will be our last.
My answer is always the same, 'im not sure'
The thought of never experiencing this again is so heart breaking to think about but to be honest im not sure if I could handle another pregnancy.
I’m 3 years out from my last and still feel the same “I’m not sure” as you do. I know there are some people who say they absolutely know, but I wonder if I’m someone who will always be on the fence, and if there are other too
For me it's just that I cannot go through another pregnancy and delivery, it almost broke me especially the second time around and I just won't do it again. I'm also just getting back some full night's of sleep with my youngest turning two and I'm not prepared to give that up again. Whether I'd be happy with a third or not feels irrelevant to me now since I know I'm not willing to go through it all again.
Having said that, I was looking at photos of a friend's baby a few months ago and all rationality went out the window. Somehow my mind had slipped into, "maybe we're not done" and was talking to my husband about it. My 4 year old son pulled me out of that thought quickly. He literally walked up to me and punched me in the womb and said, "no more babies!" He struggled with the birth of his sister and I have to remember, I did too. I struggled so much I couldn't be the greatest mum at the time and I don't want to put him through that again either.
Oh my! It’s so so tough. I had two really hard high risk pregnancies but even after all of that I’ve still wondered “could I maybe do one more?!” lol I think the more I think about It the answer is no, but I’m also still processing and mourning what that really means
My body unequivocally told me no more when my last pregnancy at 40 ended up with preeclampsia and a week in the hospital for me and a week in the nicu for baby. That was my limit after 5 previous living kids that were all relatively easy births. I took the hint that my blood pressure just wasn't up to more!
oh wow! That’s so tough. I’m glad your 5 previous pregnancies and deliveries were relatively easy. Both of my pregnancies have been high risk. I had a placental abruption with the first pregnancy and he spent 5 weeks in the NICU, I had high blood pressure with the second and early contractions. They were both tough, AND STILL I sometimes wonder if I’d do it all again for one more. I haven’t felt a strong sense of certainty either way.
It's so hard to know. I had most of mine when I was very young so my thinking process was . . . Limited? Once I hit 40, things just seemed more serious. I had more to lose, I guess. Baby ended up having some serious ongoing issues so it made sense to stop there.
I knew after I had twins, numbers 4&5. We had tentatively been considering a fourth to “round things out”. A round number will NOT be happening. The twins are ten now and life is much easier. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing. The answer to your question: when you know, you know.
I haven’t felt strongly either way yet, some days I think I’m done, some days I think I could do another. I think I’ll eventually know for sure one way or another. Twins 4&5, wow!
I just had my second in October and I know for sure I’m done. Part of it is my age (37) and part of it is that pregnancy was really uncomfortable for me, start to finish. I love my sweet baby, but two is enough!
My husband and I are both one of four, so we have plenty of nieces and nephews coming.
Both my pregnancies were rough, I had a placental abruption the first time, and early contractions + high blood pressure with the second, and I’m 37 now so it seems like it would be tougher. Still, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel “done”. Thanks for sharing your story :)
My youngest child ran just up to me in his confident toddler way demanding “cwakers,” so I appreciate the timing of this read…
I didn’t want to be done with having babies but life & the medical needs of my kids demanded it. And I think about these questions a lot as I come to terms with what will never be. Asking questions helps me poke holes through my grief so I can be more in the moment and grounded in gratitude for the blessings of my three not-so-baby babies.
That’s so tough, I’m so sorry. The reminder of being grounded in gratitude is so beautiful, thank you for that! How old are your three?
I appreciate that! They are 5 (in a few days), 3.5 and 20 months. I’ve got a busy bunch!
I never know !!!! I always want one more 🥹
I’m afraid that’s how I’m always going to feel!