When Was the Last Time You Asked a Mom How She’s Doing?

No. 82 - Beyond updates about our kids, what we’re all craving most is to be seen.

Checking in today as a 36-year-old woman, who also happens to be a mom. I lost my grandma earlier this year, and find myself missing her frequently. I’m starting to find my footing again at work for the first time since becoming a mom, and I’m really proud of myself. I’m rediscovering my “style”, and enjoying the closet clean-out process. I fluctuate daily between feeling crushed by the heaviness of the state of our world, fired up to go out and change things, and hopeful when I see my kids innocence and joy.

How are YOU doing?

We were playing in the front yard yesterday evening when a neighbor I hadn’t seen in a while walked by. We chatted briefly about the weather, and she commented on how much my youngest son had grown. I asked how her daughter’s first year of high school was going, and it wasn’t until she walked away that I realized I hadn’t even asked how she was doing. It was all about the kids.

Don’t we find ourselves doing that so often as women and mothers?

When you visit a new mom, it’s all about how the baby’s sleeping, how he’s eating, how precious he is. But how is the mom doing? How is she truly doing?

A few weeks ago, I visited with my aunt and uncle. Their son had just left for a graduate program and moved several states away. Most of our conversation revolved around how my cousin was adjusting to his new life on campus. But did I stop to ask my aunt how she was adjusting to her new season of life? I’m not sure I did.

That same realization hit me again in a different way in a group chat I keep with two of my closest girlfriends. It’s the closest I get during the day to hearing how my mom friends are doing. We swap updates on everything from Botox, to work stress, to the latest recipes we’ve cooked. But even in that space, as close as we are, I don’t think I’ve paused to ask how they’re actually doing.

And the thing is—I’m dying to know.

Not just the surface stuff. The real things.

How are they handling the stress of political violence, or the constant news of another school shooting? How are they managing to cook for their families, show up for all the back-to-school events, and not get buried under the weight of the mental load?

What worries spring up when they lay their heads on the pillow at night? What sadness are they carrying quietly because they have to keep a brave face for their families? What dreams have they kept buried, too busy with “everyday life” to chase? What stories would they share about the boss who made them cry, or the frail family member they might not have much time left with, or the internet rabbit holes they’ve gone down when they couldn’t sleep?

Yes, it’s wonderful that moms find connection by talking about our kids—what sleep training method we’re using, where we’re sending them to school next year, what activities we’ve signed our kids up for, or what TV characters they’re into. I’m glad it gives us a way to find common ground.

But I also think we can do a much better job of seeing one another as individual women, outside of our children. Remembering that we’re human too, with whole, complex lives beyond these little ones. They can be our entire world, while also remaining just a part of it.

So, I want to know—how are you really doing this Friday? What’s weighing on you? What new trend you’re loving? What are you dying to tell a friend? Please jump in and share. Because beyond the updates about our kids, what we’re all craving most is to be seen.

🕵️ We watched this murder mystery last weekend and it was so charming and cute. A perfect mix of lighthearted and mysterious, with great characters. I also found out it’s a book so I’m going to have to read it!

🍸 I’m having a “Sober September” so I’ve trying different mocktails and this cosmo was actually delicious! It’s perfect served cold in a fancy glass.

🥣 I cannot resist a good soup, and it’s finally maybe starting to get cool enough in Texas for this delicious Lemon Rosemary Chicken soup recipe.

Happy Friday, Friends! I hope you all have a great weekend. Reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to him a while and see how she’s doing!

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